Doing research changes the researcher. In this talk I will try to document my personal story with AI. I love computers and have been an early adopter of AI with a mostly positive outlook onto the future. Recently the picture has become a lot more grim.\\\\ This has two reasons. The first is that it is becoming clearer every day how we simply cannot extend the trust that we naturally have between mathematicians also to big tech. The second reason is that I observe changes in myself that I don't like.\\\\ I used to say that writing is thinking and I still believe it is true. But I also outsourced a lot of writing to the machine, feeding it notes and unfinished thoughts and then editing the result to sound more like me. For certain texts (like bureaucratic letters) this is certainly an efficient and acceptable way to proceed, but for my core thinking I want to learn to accept that this is a slow and messy human process.